Doktor Pissoff's Temple of Bulldada
Ho De Do Clench
Stupid "Bob" Jokes

"Bob" goes to the doctor. He has a string hanging out of his ass.
The doctor says that this is most unusual. "I don't know what to make of it. I have no diagnosis. Perhaps we should just pull the string and see what happens."
The learned doctor proceeded to pull the string. He pulled and pulled, and out came a dozen long-stemmed American Beauty roses.
"My God," proclaimed the doctor, "I've never seen that before. Where do you suppose they came from?"
J.R. replies, "I don't know. Is there a card?"

Before he got into saleswork, when "Bob" was a young man, he joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" his father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked his father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'
"So, did you jump?" asked his father.
"Well, a little, at first."

Once when "Bob" was a travelling salesman and about to check in at a hotel he noticed a very charming bit of feminity giving him the so-called "glad eye".
In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "but your wife Connie has been here a month."

One day a farmer caught traveling salesman "Bob" when he was a making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot "Bob" in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
Screaming, "Bob" quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at "Bob"s perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged "BOB". "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked "Bob".
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."

Another time when "Bob" was driving home late one night from a sales call when his car broke down in the middle of farm country and was forced to hike a very long distance to the nearest gas station.
About 1/2 way to the service station the seven layer burrito, pinto beans with cheese and nachos grande he had for lunch reached critical mass and he had to relieve himself in the worst way. He looked around and noticed this particular farmer was growing pumpkins.
So he jumped the fence, carved out a good sized pumpkin with his trusty pocket knife, relieved himself, popped the top back on the pumpkin and was on his merry way with a new steam and conviction in his stride.
Well, a couple weeks later he happened to be passing the same way and started to feel guilty about defiling the farmer's crop, so he decided to swing by the house and pay for his damage. As he pulled up to the house, he saw the old farmer on the front porch sitting in his rocking chair, puffing on his corn-cob pipe. "BoB" got out of the car and explained to the farmer what had happened and offered to pay for the pumpkin.
The farmer didn't say anything for a long time and then turned his head slightly and yelled into the house... "Hey Maaaw"
"Yeah Paaaw"
"Member that punkin' pie we et last night that I sed taste like SHIT?...Twas!"

Once while selling oil rigs equipment as a a traveling salesman, "Bob", was drinking in a bar in a one-horse town, in the middle of nowhere. He's feeling really horny, and approaches the bartender.
He says, "Hey, pal, I need a girl. Can you help me?"
The bartender says, "There's no girls in this town. But we do have Singaloo the cook..."
"Bob" says, "Hey, man...I don't go for that shit."
He starts drinking again, and after a while, he approaches the bartender again.
He says, "Look, pal, any girl at all. I've got lots of bread, I'll take care of you, her, whatever."
The bartender says, "There ain't no girls, mac. But we do have Singaloo the Cook..."
"Bob" gets pissed. He says, "I told you, I don't go for that shit." "Bob" goes back to his table.
He has about six more martinis, and by then, he's loaded, and he can't take it anymore.
He goes up to the bar and says, "Okay, okay, Singaloo the cook. Fine. What do I do?"
The bartender says, "Go into the back room there, and I'll send in Singaloo and R.L. and Maurice in about ten minutes."
"Bob" says, " R.L. and Maurice? Who the hell are R.L. and Maurice?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're gonna hold him. Singaloo doesn't go for that shit, either."

The (Rival Cult) Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks his chauffeur "Bob" if he can drive for a while. Well, "Bob" the chauffeur doesn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of a CHiP in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.
"Is it the Governor?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT???"
"No sir! Even *more* important!"
"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

Once "Bob"'s traveling salesman father stoped at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some wares.
While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night.
However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom, "Bob"'s old man would have to sleep in the same room as the farmer's daughter--on the condition that if any hanky-panky went on and the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her.
"Bob"'s old man eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but the brains of a head of lettuce, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he agreed to the farmer's terms.
The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table.
The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, girl?"
"Sure did, Pa."
"Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him Bob."
"And if it's a girl," says the mother, "we'll call her Connie."
About that time "Bob"s old man came into the room holding a condom and grinning. "Well," he says, "if the little bastard gets out of this, we'll call him Houdini."

When he was but a keen country lad "Bob" applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The pink boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before? Grinning, he said "Yes", I was a salesman in the country selling oil rig equipment among other things", said "Bob". The pink boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up".
The day was long and arduous for young "Bob" but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One" said young "Bob". "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??. "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said "Bob".
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted pinkboy.
"Well", said the "Bob", "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser"
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered "Bob". He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Sounds like the weekend's a loss, you may as well go fishing".

On his sales route "Bob"rang the bell at a suburban home, and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Hiding his amazement, "Bob" asked the boy, "Is your mother home?"
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do *you* think?"

While travelling in a small town in the midwest "Bob"'s trip was suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick.
Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel. He walks up to the madam and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."
The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob."
"No, no," says the man, "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick for Connie."

I'm sure you've all heard about when "Bob"'s car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota.
It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and "Bob" pleaded for a place to spend the nite.
"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
"Oh !" said "Bob". Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is it to the next house ?"

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend "Bob".
"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy "Bob" replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.
"Then my wife Connie comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists An Arab salesman named "Bob" approached them arm loaded with tourist trinklets.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, "Bob" asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, "Bob" responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, "Bob" offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After "Bob" left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Two brothers named Dobbs grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them, "Bob", said he was going up north to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents. "Bob" moved up north, became a salesman, soon was sales manager, then vice president and then president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.
One day "Bob" got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."
He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big meeting with the x-ists in Brushwood (not really expecting to ever see his brother again after the rupture). I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do."
Well, his brother did that, and in a few weeks, since the rupture didn't pan out, "Bob" received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, "Bob" called his brother and asked if why he was getting these bills.
"Oh, yes," his brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."

A sales company had particular trouble selling the black book. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l- like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." lnititally, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.
After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.
"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"
"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

Another time "Bob" was driving down a dark deserted stretch of country road when his car broke down. Seeing a light in the distance, he walked several miles to an old farm house and knocks on the door.
He is greeted by an old farmer and explains his predicament.
"Bob" asks, "Can I use your phone to call a tow truck?"
The old farmer replies, "Nope, ain't got one."
"Bob" ask, "Can you help me fix my car?"
The old farmer replies, "Nope, too dark out there, you'll just have to wait until the morning, then I'll take you into town."
"Bob" reluctantly agrees, and asks where he is going to sleep.
The old farmer says, "You'll have to bunk with Junior. You'll have to excuse him, he's a little on the daffed side." (Forest Gump is a genius compared to Junior).
"Bob" is shown to a small upstairs room with a double bed.
Upon entering the room, Junior sits up in bed and introduces himself, "Hi, muh name iz Junior. Are you gonna bee stayin in here wif me tanite?"
"Bob" greets Junior and prepares for bed. Upon crawling into the other side of the bed, Junior starts tossing and turning. After about an half hour of Junior tossing, turning, and rolling all over the bed, "Bob" is fed up.
"Junior! What is the matter? Can't you lie still and go to sleep?"
Junior replies, "Ah kin't falls asleep without playin a game of football."
"Bob" looks around the room and replies, "Junior, we can't play football in here! The room's too small."
Junior say, "No not that type of football, we plays by special rules. Ya sees, if'n ya farts two times, ya makes a first down. If'n ya farts three times, ya makes a touchdown."
"Bob" realizes that he won't get a moment's decent sleep unless he plays football with Junior, so he reluctantly agrees. "Bob" concentrates and is able to let loose four good blasts.
Junior is astonished, "Wow! TOUCHDOWN an' extree point!"
"Bob" replies, "OK Junior! Your turn. Let's get this over."
Junior starts concentrating, grimmacing, and a pained look comes over his face. Suddenly Junior just explodes and shits all over the bed.
'Bob" is shocked and says "Now what?"
"HALFTIME! We trades sides!"

In a strange city "Bob" was feeling horny and wanted sexhurt. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street.
Fuck up that he is, "Bob" went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.
She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," "Bob" said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Connie had always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile.
She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.
Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman "Bob". Tells him they forgot to install the radio. "Bob" assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says.
*click*
The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.
*click*
"Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show"

After attending a party for his boss "Bob", the life of the party as usual was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss, replied his wife Connie.
"Piss on him," answered "Bob".
"You did," said Connie, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said "Bob".
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
Note: I, Doktor Pissoff, realize the above joke is way out of line and, while I know that "Bob" never has and never will have a boss, it is even less likely that Connie would fuck "Bob"'s boss so that he could "go back to work". After all, it is just a joke. Even though it is pretty much impossible to imagine! Or kill me.

A normal with big feet walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes.
"Bob" the salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11."
The normal says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe."
"Bob" brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain.
He says to "Bob", "I lost my business and my house to the conspiracy, I live with my debeaked mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my worse enemy, my daughter is pregnant by a normal, and my son is into sexhurt. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes."

"Bob" and an attractive female normal walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" "Bob" exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to "Bob" and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problemo! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So "Bob" and the woman leave. On Monday, "Bob" returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned "Bob", "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

More "Bob" Jokes!

The image of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is a trademark of:
The Church of the SubGenius
PO Box 140306
Dallas, Texas 75214
U.S.A.

Let they that cannot take a joke, let them mount up upon themselves!

Gramps?
The Chinese government has put an end to hunts for our Yeti ancestors!

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